Close the “Iowa Prenatal Care Survey” Gitmo

A Family article with View Comments posted 23 January 2009.
Tags: Humor, pregnancy

From a place of extreme sleep deprivation and slap-happiness, Jennifer and I would like to present our Selected Answers to the Iowa Prenatal Care Survey. It is worth noting that they present this survey in Scantron fill-in-the-bubble format, which ought to be considered cruel and unusual punishment for new parents.

Today’s date:
I have no idea whether it is day or night, let alone what day it is. Leave me alone.
How old are you?
Stop it with the hard questions.
Have you given birth to any other children?
Not today.
How old is the baby’s father?
6. He’s a leap year baby. PS – The next time someone who was born on Feb 29 smugly insists that they are six years old, I’m going to smack them.
How many people will be living in your household, including yourself and your baby?
This is a great question. The response box lets you enter from 0 (impossible) to 99 (hopefully also impossible). Must this be completely free response? Couldn’t we just say 1-9 and 10+? But no, we need to make tired people fill out more bubbles! So you get the scintillating choice between bubbling 55 and 56 people in your household. Lovely.
How many minutes did it take you to travel from your home to the hospital where you delivered your baby?
Ah, here’s a good application of free response bubbles. But, since we couldn’t decide between 4 and 6 minutes, we’re going with 7 so that I can bubble in 007 and pretend like I’m James Bond. High Quality Data(tm).
Is your baby expected to go home from the hospital with you?
No, she is her own person and we’ll love her no matter what decision she makes.
How are you currently feeding your baby?
There’s no bubble for on the couch, from the right breast, with a pretty safari-themed Boppy pillow.
How do you plan to feed your baby six weeks from now? (choose only one)
Only one? Okay, well… on the couch, then? But only from the left breast with a really ugly pillow from the loveseat.
How often will your new baby sleep in the same bed with you or anyone else?
Well, like I said, she’s her own woman, and when she decides that the time is right (and you better be married, missy!) she’ll pick the man she loves and sleep in his bed every night. Until then, she’s flying solo.
Have you felt sad or miserable much of the time over the past two weeks?
I was in labor yesterday, does that count?

We got tired after this point, but thought this was fun and wanted to share a little middle-of-the-night sarcasm.